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Have you ever tried to write an essay without a thesis? Itrsquo;s writing without a purpose; writing without feeling or intention.
Can one relate that type of writing to their personal life? I believe so.
Letrsquo;s call it EWAT syndrome (essay without a thesis). It generally occurs unintentionally, albeit, someone who wants to take a break from the complexities of the world can fall victim to EWAT. In a way, everyone has once suffered from this disorder, but the intensity, awareness, and length varies greatly. Shallow people do not realize that their life is purposeless because they are too busy living in the here and now; like the writer putting the nonsensical words onto paper one by one. The deeper thinkers tend to suffer from it for many years, because EWAT syndrome can be directly allied with the purpose of life, though that is the question in general, while EWAT addresses the individual. Many seniors look back on their life and begin dealing with the sudden rush of EWAT syndrome and how they can rectify it.
Many will argue that EWAT syndrome isnrsquo;t severe, nor a real condition; that it is simply a feeling of emptiness like one feels when depressed. Others will say that everyone has a purpose that is individual to their needs. They misunderstand EWAT. It is the thought process before one finds out the meaning of their life, what they are put on this earth to do.
Suicide cases commonly involve some form of EWAT, whether it be slight paired with depression, or solely this infectious disease of the mind.

Hello, my name is Meghan, and I suffer from EWAT syndrome.

How can one 15 year old girl (yes, girl. Not adolescent, nor woman, but girl) create treatment for her own EWAT? How does anyone cure their own (fictional) mental disease? Alright, disease is a little bit over the top, even for my own standards. Itrsquo;s inexplicable what I have to deal with. My lack of shallow thought paired with the depressing side effects of a drug has wrought destruction unto my life And that drug is probably not even worth it. The anguish it caused for 7+ months cost me way more than the acne did. Both the acne and drug corroded my self-esteem, self worth, and feeling of well-being, so, technically it was a lose-lose situation either way. My skin, clear as ever, and joint pain, prominent as ever. The least amount of acne on my face, chest, back, and the most negative outlook on life ever passed through my cerebrum. Did the pain of the fix override the pain of the problem? Irsquo;m not so sure. One thing is for certain, though: tonight is officially my LAST Accutane pill; hopefully, forever.

I feel as if somethingrsquo;s missing in my life. I sit back and look at my immediate world. I observe the happenings around me. I watch the interactions between people, the elation and subsequent depression of their constantly changing lives. Just take it all in; take in their problems, and how they clumsily solve them because of their flaws and (opposite of flaws).

My mind is getting stimulated, through the political discussions, and pseudo-debates I tend to get into when having simple conversations. My body is continually stimulated through the glorious sport of softball, although I could do more at the gym. The stimulation of my soul is in question because of the depressing, cynical, pessimistic thoughts I incessantly tend to succumb to. My hearthellip;.no stimulation whatsoever, it seems. My friends do help, but even they leave something to be desired, to be honest with myself. I donrsquo;t feel as if I completely fit in, as if Irsquo;m more of an outsider and never truly will be able to conform to their standards. But thatrsquo;s actually a little bit dramatic.
I donrsquo;t feel as if I need a guy in my life, because I donrsquo;t. I just need the hope of a guy in my life, a guy I can be interested in, and not get crushed down by the disheartening ideas I come up with.
What do I need? What do I need to do to help with that? Do I need to quit being selfish and look at the lives of others and how I affect them? Do I need to change my monstrous behavior and live good for them? Should I pretend that everything is okay, instead of wearing my life on my face? A myriad of questions, not a single answer. Anyone?

PETTY UPDATE TIME:
School: The end of the quarter loomed ominously, but it ended up not being all that bad:
AP Calculus: B-
Ac. History: A
Art: A+
Honors Biology: A+
AP Spanish Language: B
Ac. English: A-

OH HOT DAYUM Irsquo;m pretty excited. Especially about my B(-) in Calculus. I was SO convinced I was going to get a C and then with English, because I was thinking solid B range, but was pleasantly surprised. I did a little jig after I got my Calculus grade. Other than that, itrsquo;s a new quarter, my bio teacher loves me for, seemingly, no apparent reason, and I love the friends I have in that class, even though I seem to get pretty down upon entering. I dunno.

Softball: Coach is off fishing for the week, so there was no team practice Saturday and no pitcher/catcherrsquo;s practice tomorrow. Whoo hoo We have a Halloween tournament weekend before Halloween, and we have to make a scarecrow and dress up on Saturday. Irsquo;m pretty stoked for it, and hopefully we can manage to play in spite of the constumes

Social: I discovered that my friends are a bunch of duds who donrsquo;t do much besides run, dance, and do absolutely nothing. Well, I guess I canrsquo;t talk all that much, because I detest running, am rhythmically retarded, and do enjoy my alone timehellip; Anyways, itrsquo;s not all that much fun. Today, during lunch, everyone was sitting on the ground for some reason, and because my foot was killing me, and it took so much effort to get up and then down, I decided to stand, but I didnrsquo;t want to just stand there, so I leaned up against the nearest pillar thingy, and got asked multiple times if I was okay. So I understand that they care, but what if I just wanted to stand? And I also see that my behavior has been somewhat strange compared to my full potential of bottled up craziness, but I just didnrsquo;t feel part of them, nor remotely interested in the conversation. I just watched and smiled because I know that Irsquo;ll be able to look back upon these years and feel that warm sense of glowing inside. Fundamentally, I do believe that Irsquo;m happy. My mind is just not allowing me to really truly feel it.
A theory of mine is that I got so hurt by Ted, freshman year, that I shut off all emotions so I donrsquo;t get hurt like that again and shut out any possibilities of love whatsoever. Like with Louis. Well, sort of. Not completely. I didnrsquo;t have a crush on him or anything, but I felt like it was plausible, and could be developed, but then I thought, and, well, no. Sure, my seeing him getting pretty into it today with Molly didnrsquo;t help whatsoever (okay, not really ldquo;getting into itrdquo;, more like having a seemingly intense conversation all by themselves all lunch). Irsquo;ve been trying to open my eyes to the possibility of a relationship with someone I already know, but have thus far failed. Irsquo;ve already hit a dead end with the idea of meeting someone new, because I have no connectionshellip;.softball is all girls, and, my large stature prevents anyone from getting to know me well, I think. But I could be paranoid. Irsquo;m so frightened of rejection and the hurt that comes along with it that my subconscious has not allowed me to get connected with anyone on that kind of level so I donrsquo;t end up hurting again. I dunno; Irsquo;m not a psychologist.

Love and thoughts of EWAT syndrome,
Meghan

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